SHEBOYGIN, WI -- The missing spokespuppet for the now defunct Web site, Pets.com has been found behind the clothes dryer in a local suburban home. While the exact condition of the famous Sock Puppet has been withheld pending notification of his pair, authorities did say that the spokespuppet appeared to still have his trademark microphone and Timex watch collar. The spokespuppet disappeared from public view shortly after Pets.com went out of business in 2001. While he was rumored to have been planning a return to the public eye along with ’ÄòLambchop,’Äô the sock puppet who worked with the late Shari Lewis, the Pets.com Sock Puppet had not been seen or heard from in months. Given the location of the spokespuppet upon being discovered, it is assumed that he was lost after being removed from the dryer, but smell tests are still underway to determine the exact nature of the spokespuppet’Äôs disappearance.

AOL TIME WARNER ANNOUNCES PLAN TO BUY ALPHABET

NEW YORK -- AOL Time Warner Inc. (NYSE: AOL), the world's first Internet-powered media and communications company which strives to connect, inform and entertain the most computer-savvy people everywhere in innovative ways that enrich their lives, has announced plans to buy the Alphabet. Pending approval of the purchase of the Alphabet by the appropriate regulating bodies, the company's unique combination of businesses, consumer relationships and growth opportunities transcend traditional categories, spanning interactive services, cable systems, publishing, music, cable networks and filmed entertainment will grow to include everyday letters like the ones you’Äôre now reading. AOL Time Warner will be the premier global company delivering the world's most highly respected and valuable entertainment, news and Internet brands across rapidly converging media platforms. It will also become the company we’Äôll all have to pay monthly in order to read and write using the Roman alphabet. Steve Case, Chairman of AOL Time Warner, said: "This is a historic moment for consumers everywhere who will have to pay through the nose like they never have before. And it’Äôs a tremendous step toward our goal of becoming the world's most respected and valued company to the letter. Get it! To the letter. Ha-ha-ha!’Äù The company's stock was up dramatically in after-hours trading.

STUDY FINDS CONNECTION BETWEEN COMPUTER LITERACY AND DRESS CODE ILLITERACY

WASHINGTON People who work on computers are 40 percent more likely to be bad dressers. Researchers at the American Computer Society surveyed the health, dress and personal grooming habits of 781,351 men and women over a 2-year period and found an unmistakable connection between computer literacy and dress code illiteracy. ’ÄúIt’Äôs clear the poor choices in outfits, haircuts and a reduction in overall personal hygiene is linked to how much and how long people work on computers as well as their expertise with them,’Äù said Andy Hargrove, a researcher with the American Computer Society and author of the study, which appears in the Journal of the National Computer Institute. Hargrove said earlier lab studies showed that ’Äúcomputer programmers were among the worst offenders to all the senses, especially the olfactory senses.’Äù

MAN WAKES FROM COMA, DISCOVERS HE’ÄôS NO LONGER A DOT-COM MILLIONAIRE

SAN FRANCISCO ’Äì A 24-year-old man awoke from a year-long coma last week and was shocked to find the stock he held in the dot-com he worked for to be worthless. As doctors were examining the man, he initially expressed his happiness at being alive and ready to get back to work at rummage.com, a site dedicated to listing rummage sales and selling rummage via the Internet. But then the rude awakening was immediate, since the television in the man’Äôs hospital room was turned on and tuned to CNBC, and well, we’Äôve all been there. Like many other companies that never had a prayer of turning a profit, rummage.com went public in 2000. The stock was soon trading as high as $231 per share. In 2001, the company’Äôs stock was de-listed from the NASDAQ. Company executives blamed a slowdown in the sale of rummage and a slump in ad sales. Yeah, that’Äôs it. After pondering his fate for several minutes the unidentified 24-year-old former millionaire apparently flew into a rage and was immediately sedated. Last year, the former Internet millionaire slumped into a coma after falling off his Razor scooter and hitting his head on a Herman Miller Aeron chair.

INTERNET CORPORATION FOR ASSIGNED NAMES AND NUMBERS (ICANN) CONSIDERS CHANGING .COM TO .SEX

BOSTON -- According to a press release delivered to this news service by a singing telegram messenger, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) has announced plans to launch a study as to whether it should endorse a change in all URLs ending in .com to .sex. An unidentified spokesperson for ICANN wouldn’Äôt specify when the study would be completed, but did indicate a strong probability that the change would occur. ’ÄúHey, who are we kidding, it’Äôs where the money is,’Äù said the spokesperson. This latest business development comes as no surprise following the burst of the Internet bubble. ’ÄúMany companies previously focused on business strategies that embraced the Internet are reconsidering their views. Some smart ones are seeing that if they want to be successful, their going to have to give the people what they want. Porn!’Äù said John Holmes, business analyst for New Economy Magazine. Holmes went on to say that his publication is considering a name change to New Porn Economy Magazine.

XTREME WON XFL TITLE

LOS ANGELES -- After selling out all of their regular season games and becoming the most popular sport in the United States during its inaugural season, the XFL held its championship game in 2001. The Los Angeles Xtreme won "The Million Dollar Game" beating the San Francisco Demons 38-6 at the Los Angeles Coliseum. Due to a misprint on the tickets, no one showed up to the stadium to watch the Saturday night game. ’ÄúShucks! We thought it was on Sunday, you know, like the Super Bowl. Everybody knows Saturdays are for watching the WWF,’Äù said local XFL and wrestling fan Billy Bob Bobbertson. The upstart ’Äòextreme’Äô football league died a quick and painless death shortly thereafter when NBC decided not to televise any more XFL games due to a persistent rumor that they were boring. As if!

NEXT 'SURVIVOR' SERIES TO BE SET IN SILICON VALLEY

NEW YORK -- CBS has announced its plans to set its highly popular ’ÄòSurvivor’Äô series in the toughest environment yet: Silicon Valley. Just as the series previously placed 16 strangers in the Australian Outback in 2001, the next series will force participants to outwit, outlast, outplay, and out-raise venture capital against each other in the formidable region. Show producers are promising the most exciting season yet.

VICE PRESIDENT MERELY IN RESTROOM

WASHINGTON -- Rumors have been running amuck since the September terrorist attacks that the vice president has been bed-ridden, since he’Äôs been out of public view. Like other news organizations, when this publication called and asked about his whereabouts the persistent answer received was that he was in a ’Äúsafe and undisclosed location.’Äù In a revealing announcement, the office of the Vice President put to rest speculation that Vice President Dick Cheney is in poor health. According to a press release issued by Lynne Cheney, wife of the vice president, the back-up commander-in-chief is actually performing very regularly. ’ÄúHe has simply been unable to come to the phone when reporters have called because he was in the restroom,’Äù said Mrs. Cheney. ’ÄúHis new diet requires a lot of bran, so that’Äôs why he’Äôs indisposed so often. When somebody calls we say he’Äôs in a ’Äòsafe and undisclosed location,’Äù said Cheney. ’ÄúWhat do you want me to say, the most powerful’ĶI mean, the second-most powerful man in the free world is in the potty! That wouldn’Äôt look good, would it?’Äù

2001 CAME AND WENT. NO MONOLITH.

EARTH -- Fans of the film and the book ’Äú2001: A Space Odyssey’Äù held out hope until the end, but were left disappointed as the year passed without any appearance of the Monolith. ’ÄúMan, this sucks,’Äù said Howard Dahl, president of The Enlightened Ones, a 2001: A Space Odyssey fan club. he book’Äôs author, Arthur C. Clarke, was unable to comment on the non-appearance of the Monolith. A spokesperson said the author was ’Äúin a safe and undisclosed location and had no comment.’Äù